A Journey into Life

I am more aware of myself ageing than before. A few stray strands of white. Reducing hair density. The look of maturity. No longer someone mistaking you for being younger than you really are. And more and more assuming the role of the bigger-hearted, wiser person as you encounter more and more younger people. Even feeling a sense of needing to guide the younger ones through the treacherous path of life that you have traveled some distance on.

And this teaches me to be kind to ourselves. As you seem to start a decline from your youthful prime, and your body seems a little less rigorous and capable to take on unnecessary stresses than before, be kind to yourself and to others who are experiencing this same decline.

Close one eye. Let things go. Take it easier. And don’t hesitate so much to treat yourself. Allow yourself to follow the wanderings of your heart, wherever they may lead.

Be less hard on yourself. These changes in your physical body are reminders to look out for yourself and others more and to be a kinder person.

More than a year has past since I returned from the island of Útila in April 2020. It signaled the end of my travels as I had found a job back in Singapore at Republic Polytechnic. My views on work have changed somewhat during this time. For example, I no longer think that my passion has to be my work or I have to search hard for my passion. Instead, I relish each opportunity to experience and learn new things and once I’m done with it, I moved on to the next experience to learn new things.

But I was lucky that in the past year, I was able to still practice my craft of instructing through Apnea 42 after I picked up a freediving instructor certificate at Útila last March. In the short span of a year, despite it being a pandemic year, I taught students in 50 sessions in the open water how to freedive. And I realised that I enjoy conveying a set of skills to someone and seeing them transform from having no prior experience to now having the capability to continue on learning the craft.

And even though my interest in writing has waned in terms of becoming an independent writer, I had opportunities to write on the Singapore philanthropist, Tan Tock Seng, an opportunity shared and given to me by my cousin. And that experience opened my eyes to what goes behind the scenes of historical research and writing. And enabled me to meet people (Mr Kwa and Roney Tan) who sincerely desire to write and record history. I also had a chance to teach a writing retreat to a group of lecturers in Thailand, an opportunity given to me by my friend, Jan, and to be a copyeditor to two graduate students.

And then through my work in RP, I realised that my strongest skill set in research is in writing. I am able to quickly synthesized knowledge into a textual form. This skill is probably most appreciated in research, and explains my decision to continue working as a research assistant, despite my many past desires of changing my career.

I have started to accept the way the world works and that I will be paid for a skill that someone recognizes as valuable and they judge this from my past experiences. So I am going to stay on working as a research assistant and use this as a passport to help me achieve my other goals and purposes – learning and growing.

I also realised that my strength may lay in being able to take on projects and create something out of nothing – like I may actually be good at making something happen, sort of pioneering or completing something, and my interest and desire fizzes out once this task is completed. It helped me understand that doing a PhD may not be that good an idea for me, because instead of doing one big project, I may be happier and more effective doing 5 small ones. My sense of urgency and desire to complete things quickly, and my lack of fear of embracing the new and picking up something from scratch, are strengths and not weaknesses. Instead of fighting that, I have decided to embrace that and go with the flow and my natural inclinations. Instead of staying on long at a job or a place, I will complete my work and then move on.

And this is what took me to Hong Kong. I am now doing a two weeks quarantine at a hotel in Hong Kong. And getting ready to begin my work as a senior research assistant at the Education University of Hong Kong.

Photo by David Siglin on Unsplash

I recently got to know a friend, Chris, who told me that he had never had to write a single resume or cover letter of all the years he has been working. The jobs were always offered to him by someone else. He has been in the food and farming industry and is currently writing a memoir on his experience!

He told me he pursues what interests him through attending events and speaking to people to find out directly from them about what they do. He is a polite, passionate, curious, and capable young man. And I understand how anyone who speaks to him can be keen to have him on board and part of their plans and team.

One of the undesired consequences of losing your job or being unemployed for an extended period is that you begin to lose your network of contacts who would usually facilitate your job search efforts. Chris, who naturally likes connecting with people, did not have such a problem, as he remained within his network even at times when he may be unemployed.

There is a phenomenon in the world of economics called ‘hysteresis.’ This word means to lag. It is used to describe how the unemployed continue to remain unemployed even when opportunities become available because of what happens to them during their initial unemployment.

Here’s what possibly may have happened: During this long break, the lack of opportunities to use one’s skills eventually lead to the erosion of these skills. Also, the lack of contact with former classmates and colleagues (and new friends) leads to a disconnect with the people who can open doors for one.

Should we eventually like to return to the workforce, how can we, the unemployed, remedy or prevent ‘hysteresis’ from personally happening to us?

You may have taken a career break, like what I did last year, be retrenched from your job, as many have during this pandemic, or be delayed in securing your first job fresh out of graduation. Whatever your situation, how can we keep ourselves meaningfully occupied to avoid ‘hysteresis’ from happening to us?

It is important to continue to use and upgrade your skills in one way or another. Whether it’s taking up a small part-time opportunity or starting to freelance or picking up new skills – do it even as you are not employed.

Even if you’re not paid, such as doing an internship or volunteering for a cause you care about, any opportunity at all that allows you to continue to use your skills or give you chances to learn, grow, and pick up new skills should be pursued.

Being meaningfully occupied not only helps you maintain the sharpness of your mind and skillfulness of your hands, but it also gives you the confidence that you are needed, wanted, and useful!

(We often neglect the importance of confidence in a job search. Confidence affects what opportunities you go after and how you present yourself to others.)

Moreover, these are things you can put on your CV. It would not look like you took a complete break from work. It will look like you changed from full-time to part-time or freelance. This would help you retain your competitiveness in the market and, more importantly, your confidence in your abilities.

I unintentionally did this during my career break because I was quite ambitious. I worked part-time to do occasional writing for the Molchanovs freediving education system, I wrote a book about academic writing, I took courses to pursue my interests – Thai massage and face massage, freediving instructing (I even taught two students!); even taking advantage of the Covid-19 situation to take a course offered by the government on the donning and doffing of the PPE.

So don’t discount anything that you do during your break.

To be honest, there were a lot of things I had wished to do and achieved during this break but did not manage to accomplish them. I had wanted to become a freelancer and even make a career change. It was too difficult for me to depend on my passions for a living and too short a time to discover what other kinds of work I might have more interest in.

Even though I was not able to achieve these things, I realized it’s not a big deal. It’s okay that I tried and found out what worked and what didn’t. Maybe in a few years, I will try again.

And then there’s the other part about remaining in a network. Stay in touch with your friends and former colleagues. Continue to update them about yourself and be curious about how they are doing in their respective paths and lives.

If your loss or lack of a job was unintended, you may feel bad about yourself and isolate yourself. But don’t do that. Don’t be ashamed. What you are experiencing now is not unique. Everyone experiences unemployment at one point or another, whether by choice or not.

There is no glory in holding on resolutely to a job for many many years. It does not always reflect your intelligence, capability, or passion, in uncertain days like ours. There is, however, glory in remaining hopeful under challenging circumstances.

Acknowledge how you feel, apply self-care, keep yourself meaningfully occupied, and share your situation with people and continue to reach out to others for support or help.

I am grateful that the current research job I found was recommended to me by two of my friends.

There is a flow in the universe. Don’t be afraid to follow it—that path of least resistance.

If you feel life leading you in a certain direction, go with it. Don’t be hard on yourself that you were re-directed another way and don’t insist on always going the most difficult route. And don’t beat yourself up over your situation.

Stay calm, take a deep breath, and may your eyes be open to the opportunities that await you in this new phase of your life.

It may well be a very new beginning!

Photo by Christian Joudrey on Unsplash

I did not know I was susceptible to panic buying just like any other.

After all, few of us (lucky as we are) might have faced a crisis of this scale before. Naturally, behaviors we did not know we might have, might surface.

The day when my neighbor came to my door and showed me a message that said the last shipment of goods had arrived in the supermarket, I shuddered in fear.

We stay on a small (and lovely) island called Utila in Honduras. If the cargo boats cannot get to us, we are doomed. (But also on a small island, misinformation gets around faster than facts do. The truth was that the cargo ships continued to come to the island, and there was no food shortage at all.)

I quickly took my backpack and rushed to my bicycle and cycled to the supermarket.

In my panic, speeding along a bumpy path, my mind far away, I scraped my toe against a post. I was so distraught, and I felt so much pain that I cried.

It was at that moment that I realized something was not right. My actions were overly impulsive, and I was not handling my emotions very well.

I stopped, cycled back home to treat my wound, and re-evaluated the situation.

—

A preoccupied mind can cause us mistakes.

Anxiety or a mind preoccupied with thoughts associated with negative potentialities and possibilities can make us clumsy and irrational. Our minds are not in the present. Instead, we are worried about something amorphous and not within our grasp. We may feel a continual sense of dis-ease, like an anxious current running through our veins.

Panic causes people to go into a fight or flight mode, and in this state we may neglect to take care of ourselves and others.

Our brains switch to survival-mode thinking, where rationality switches off, and our animal-like instincts switch on. This happens whenever we try to protect ourselves in a dangerous situation. This causes us to forget that when we bulk buy more than we need, it denies others from getting what they immediately need.

So during this time, it’s important to not go with our instincts but to take deep breaths and calm ourselves down, and allow our minds to guide our actions.

And a tip for you. Counter-intuitively, rather than mass buying items that everybody needs, why not give yourself a treat?

Yes, poor you, who is suddenly thrown into this unexpected situation. I think you need a treat. Yes, get yourself that tub of ice-cream that can calm your nerves in any stressful situation. Yes, perhaps we can do exactly the opposite of what our survival instincts tell us to do.

I picked up a pack of chives and mint and some hemp seeds – non-essential items – and made my way home.

—

Now, let me share what helped me regain my composure:

1. Knowing I was not alone.

Though I was in a foreign country, I had friends. If I did run out of food, I have many people who would help me out in that aspect. Having different people to share my many worries with also helped put them into perspective and gave me ideas about how to resolve my problems.

(Special mention to Gaye, who gave me the confidence I needed to do the required research to plan my path home. To Ivan, who taught me how the virus spreads and how to protect myself on flights and transits. And to my many friends in Utila who always share your food with me. When I think of you guys, I know I wouldn’t starve.)

2. Reminding myself that I was capable of getting myself out of deep shit.  

Because we are each facing this situation for the first time, we may panic because we are unsure whether we can actually make it out of the situation. I remind myself that I am intelligent and capable of resolving any problems I face.

Yes, I am capable of finding a way back to my home country, though it is far away, and flight cancellations are the norm. Yes, I am capable of meeting my basic needs and happiness, even in a time like this. (If I have to, I can plant my own vegetables! I should have enough fats to last me while the plants grow. I will not die of starvation!)

Trust in your lived experiences, your intelligence, and/or your resourcefulness. You can handle any novel situations. Yes, including this Covid-19 Crisis!

3. Breathing and staying calm regardless. 

How to catch yourself in that moment of panic and not to go along with it?

One way to regain composure is to focus on taking a deep and slow breath in and a deep and slow breath out. By focusing your attention on your breath, instead of following the rapid-fire train of thoughts in your mind, you ground yourself in the present moment and stop yourself from being carried away.

This puts you in better stead to handle any situations that come your way. When you are calm, you have access to your judgment, your intelligence, and your resourcefulness. In contrast, in panic mode, your raw, spontaneous, and wild emotions can lead you astray.

One of my biggest rewards from taking a step away from my career was the time and space to ask myself the questions, “What do you want from life? What will make you happy?”

When I was working, I rationalized my work, I tried to make sense of why I worked by telling myself how it was going to eventually lead to something I wanted, something worthwhile.

I wanted to be a writer so I told myself I was doing a PhD so that I can write my dissertation – a book!

I wanted to be a teacher of writing so I told myself I don’t get to teach now but after my PhD, I will have the qualification, and then, I will find a job as an academic writing advisor, and then I can fulfill my dream.

Little did I know that by just quitting that PhD and writing a book on academic writing I had already fulfilled two of my deepest desires, without even needing the PhD.

Leaving the comforts of my country and home and traveling to strange new lands and experiencing life in its raw and uncut version – having a clean canvas to paint my hopes, dreams and desires on – helped me understand myself better.

I learned from experience. Heart breaks made me ask what kind of relationships do I want to build with people in my life.

Realising I was happier overseas than in Singapore made me question what was it that was lacking here at home that I did not have lack of overseas?

Space and time alone.

It made me realize that maybe I can be happy here in Singapore too. I just needed to make enough money to rent a place that gives me quiet and privacy, possibly near nature where I can getaway from the busyness of it all. And I need to love myself enough to prioritize my needs and wants and be able to say, ‘No,’ or ‘I’m tired and I have to go.’

If not at home, perhaps I may find somewhere in the world where I can fulfill these. Who knows?

‘What do you want in your life? What will make you happy?’

These two questions, I am still asking them, and I am still seeking answers. And during this sabbatical, I am giving myself opportunities to experience different types of lives, alternative versions and visions of living, to help myself answer them.

So perhaps I have lost a year of establishing a career and a year of potential earnings and a year of progressing forward with my peers…

But I have gained a clearer idea of what I want in life and a deeper appreciation of who I am and what I need to be happy.

To me, frankly, that’s more important.

I am trying to think what are some of the benefits I have gained from getting myself out there into strange lands and meeting people of all sorts over the past months of my life and allowing myself to experience life and be surprised by it.

One of these benefits is how I feel I have become more open-minded “faster” or mellowed a little faster, than I would have if I stayed put here in Singapore. In a short period of time, I met many different people who have different backgrounds, dreams, motivations and limitations. I think you can get such an experience wherever you are based in too depending on where you work or how open you are to new people and friendships. But perhaps for some people like me who had already rather fixed routines in life, it may have been easier to get such an experience by getting out.

I saw how the world worked in different countries and for different people. When I came back home, I feel less inclined to make judgments on people and I gained respect for people who humbly make their living given their present life circumstances. I also realised I am only a small part in someone’s life and everyone has their own lives to steer and live. I too have to find one so that I will be happy with my own life.

There is a saying here that the world is our university – the one we all have to attend – the university of life.

Now, when I meet someone, whatever their situation or quirks, I have a bigger group of people to compare them to, instead of just myself. I’ve met the business owners, the people who work for them, those starting out and working hard, those retired and winding down, the self-made person and he who cannot hold down a job for long, the students of languages and the students of life, the married, divorced, the-single-forever, the children and their parents, people with different beliefs and practices about sex and sexuality, the worldly and the spiritual (and find that we are not too different after all, all of us seeking ways to find peace with ourselves and peace with the world)… Everyone just getting by…. by a stroke of luck, sometimes our paths crossed, for just a moment in time; but we all are still placed together in this little planet, we call ‘earth’.

This makes me more compassionate and appreciative and understanding of who people are and what they have been through. I look people in the eye when I talk to them now (when my state of mind does not get in the way). I feel I understand humanity better, a little better than before.

As for myself, whilst struggling in my journey to make sense of life and the world, in the great multitude of humanity, I find a place for me, somewhere in this big world we call home.